Valentine Walsh
by Kawaii On'nanoko
Summary: Mikey's got a twin sister who's got a crush on Data. Hold on. Mouth. Wait. What! The adventures of the only girl Goonie
1. The Goonies

I came into Brand's room where I found Mikey looking out the window sadly.

"Hey, Mikes. What's wrong?" I asked him, wrapping an arm around him.

"Valentine! What have I told you about coming into my room? I'm a guy and you're a girl. I could've been changing for all you knew!" Brand scolded me from his excercising thingy.

"The door was open, dumbass," I replied. "And don't call me Valentine! It's Pinky. It's our last weekend as Goonies. We might as well use our Goonie names, eh, Mikey?" I asked my twin. When he didn't respond, I said," Hey, I'll miss this place too. But at least we Goonies will be living in the same neighborhood still."

"I know how you feel, wimp, girly. I'm sure miss this place too."

Suddenly someone knocked on the door. Brand got up and pushed Mikey and I into each other.

"Adopted wusses," he said.

"Adopted wusses?!" We exclaimed at the same time.

"I ain't no adopted wuss!" Mikey objected as we both bolted to answer the door.

"It's 'I'm not an adopted wuss,' Mikey," I corrected.

"Aw, what's the difference?" he replied.

We both got to the front door at the same time and found a familiar face combing back his hair.

"Oh, it's just Mouth," I said dismissively. I made my way into the living room. "I don't get how you're friends with that conceited loudmouth," I finished, lying down on my stomach on the couch.

Mouth started to greet Mikey in different accents and heard my comment. "'Concieted loudmouth?' I ain't no conceited loudmouth!"

"Mouth's a bad influence on you, Michael. Like I said, why are you friends with him again?"

"Aw, shut it, Pinky. I prefer to be called 'a young boy who's sexy and he knows it.' Besides, at least _I_ got decent looking hair, pink hair."

"Oh, at least _I_ got some full-functioning brains, stupid face."

He ignored me and put his foot on the table, eating a few chips. Mouth's always like that. I'm not sure if he really hates me, if he's got a thing for me, or if he thinks/knows I got a thing for him. Yes, I've got a crush on Mouth, but I pretend I've got a crush on Data.

"So anyway, guys, what's going down?"

"Get your foot off the table, Mouth," replied Brand.

"You got it." After that, I stopped paying attention to Mouth and waited until someone decent came along. Okay, so I have a crush on him, but that doesn't mean I can deal with ALL his antics.

I heard Chunk outside and it seems that Mouth had the same idea to got to the door.

"Move it, hair boy."

"Shut up, Princess Pink."

"Hey, guys, you gotta let me in!"

"Jerk alert!" Mouth yelled in a deep voice, per usual. He changed his voice to a higher pitch," It's Chunk!" We leaned on the opposite sides of the door frame.

"I just saw the most amazing thing in my entire life!" Chunk yelled.

"First you gotta do the truffle shuffle," Mouth replied in his normal voice.

I giggled. We only make Chunk do this and it's hilarious.

"Oh, come on, Mouth. Pinky's right there."

"Aw, Lawrence, I don't mind. Besides, I live with two boys. I've seen worse," I said.

"You heard the Valentine! Do it." Mouth told him.

"Come on."

"DO IT!" I jumped at the commanding tone in Mouth's voice.

Chunk got on top of the tree stump outside and started to do the truffle shuffle. Mouth and I started to laugh and after a minute, I pulled the string to start the contraption Mikey and I made.

"Aw, come on, Pinky! Spoilsport."

"Poor Chunk's had enough humiliation from you today, Devereaux." I went inside and sat next to Mikey in front of the fishing tank where Mouth sat at my left side.

I ignored the boys since they're going to be telling tall tales again. I strained my ear. Oh, God, Data's gonna use his crazy invention again, isn't he?

"Oh, God, guys, Data's coming!"

"Shut up, Pinky, we don't have time for your silly crush on Data," Brand said.

"No, you idiot, he's gonna use his crazy invention to get past the door again!" I hit his arm and went to open the door.

"Pinky, the screen door!" Mikey warned me.

Data fell right on top of me and my arm made someone fall behind me.

"H-hi, Pinky," Data greeted me. Poor boy, he's had a crush on me since fourth grade. He was so happy to find out I have a 'crush' on him.

I had to keep up my act though. "H-hey, Data," I greeted back, a shy smile playing on my lips.

Data got up though and didn't help me so I turned to get myself up and I found myself nose-to-nose with Mouth.

"Hey, if ya wanted to kiss me, Pinks, ya could've just asked instead of using Data as an excuse," he informed me cockily, with that cute smirk of his on his lips and an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, shut up, Mouth!"

"Only if you do it, Walsh," he replied suggestively as I stood up.

I noticed that Mikey dove to save Mom's favorite statue. Oh, don't tell me Chunk dropped it...?


	2. Rich Stuff

"Oh, God, no! That was Mom's most favorite piece!" Mikey said, trying desperately to put the penis back on.

"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't," Mouth said in his deep voice again.

"Shut up, Mouth!"

"Shut up, girly boy!"

"Shut up, Mouth," Brand said, hitting him

"Have I ever told you how much I love you, big bro?" I asked Brand, smirking.

"Hey, you guys ever heard of Detroit?" Data asked.

"No," Mikey replied forcefully.

"Rings a bell," I said. "Why?"

"Soitainly," Mouth said in a high pitch voice. "Where Motown started. It's also got the highest murder rate in the country."

"Of course razor boy would know," I said.

"That's where we're moving to after they take our houses tomorrow," Data said.

"All of us except for Mouth here, hopefully," I murmured.

"Aw, Pinky, your life would be so boring if I weren't in it," Mouth told me, slinging an arm on my shoulders.

"Beg to differ, Devereaux."

My two brothers began to argue and I tried to talk to Data about making an invention to make those two get along. Mom came in with a Latina woman. We all greeted her and I noticed that Mouth was combing his hair again.

"Boys-"

"And Pinky," I added.

"And Valentine Princess Anastasia Walsh-"

"Mom, don't call me that in front of-"

"Data," Mouth coughed.

I glared at him. "The guys."

"I can call you that whenever I want, Valentine. Now, this is Rosalita. She's going to help us with the packing until my arm gets better."

"Olè!"

"Hola!"

"Hola!"

"Um, kids, Rosalita doesn't speak a word of English, and I understand some of you have been taking Spanish in school."

"Why, Mrs. Walsh-" Mouth started.

I got up and shook Rosalita's hand. "Hola, señorita Rosalita. Mi nombre es Valentine Walsh, pero me puedes llamar a Pinky. El niño colgando boca abajo es mi hermano Brnad a estrenar y el chico justo ahí es mi hermano gemelo Mikey. Estos son nuestros vecinos y amigos. Eso es Data, Mouth, y Chunk." (Hello, Miss Rosalita. My name is Valentine Walsh, but you can call me Pinky. The boy hanging upside down is my older brother Brand and the boy right over there is my twin brother. These are our neighbors and friends. That's Data, Mouth, and Chunk.)

She smiled at me. "Dulce niña. Pretty también. Me gusta su pelo de color rosa." (Sweet girl. Pretty too. I like your pink hair.)

"Gracias, Señorita."

"Oh, you're a lifesaver, Valentine," Mom said.

"Oh, but Pinky here is tired. She's delicate. I'all be happy to help though."

I rolled my eyes. Trust Mouth to take all the attention. I ignored the others again. I know it seems odd, but I don't really want to pay attention to them. Besides, I want to know what Mouth is saying to Rosalita.

I heard them come down the stairs with Mouth saying that nice is his middle name. Oh, good Lord. Mom said she'll be taking Rosalita to the supermarket. Mouth said goodbye to them in a creepy way.

"Mouth, what did you do?!" I asked him.

"I made her think you guys got drugs, your attic has sexual torture devices, and that she might get locked in here with cockroaches and no food or water."

I shoved him. "What the hell is wrong with you?! She doesn't deserve that!"

"Chill out, Valentine. Besides, what's that stuff you guys got up there?"

"Stuff from the museum. Why?" I replied.

"There might be some rich stuff up there! Rich stuff like gold! Come on!"

"I'm in!" I followed Mouth up to the attic. I could hear Mikey protesting behind us.


	3. The Map

Once we got up there, our voices started overlapping and I couldn't tell who said what. Lightning struck and I grabbed on the first person I found. Who happened to be Mouth.

"Eww!" I shoved him away from me.

"Hey, I'll have you know I'm clean!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that," I mumbled and went to look at a book that Brand was looking at.

Again, I tuned the boys out. I could hear Mikey and Brand arguing again. I heard glass shattering. I turned around. Mikey found something!

"What's that?" I asked, leaning on Brand for support.

"Mikey found a map!" Chunk proclaimed.

The boys started arguing again and I focused on the map. I tried to figure it out until I heard Mikey call my name.

"Valentine? Pinky? VALENTINE PRINCESS ANASTASIA WALSH!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT, MICHAEL!" I screamed at him. "What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you or Mouth could translate that Spanish junk," Mikey replied.

"I'll read it," Mouth said. He said in a British accent, "Ye intruders, beware. Crushing death and grief. Soaked with blood," he reverted back to his regular voice, at least, the one I'm used to, "of the trespassing thief."

"Woah. Gore-y," I noted. "Wait a sec. Could this be...? Oh, God! Mikey! One-eyed Willy!"

"Yeah, One-eyed Willy! The most famous pirate of his time. Dad told us about him when we used to share a room, remember, Pinky?"

"Yeah. He stole a treasure once. It was full of gold, emeralds, rubies, and diamonds. He and his crew loaded it onto his ship. But, the British king found out and sent out a whole armada after Willy."

"They found him. Took them a couple of weeks though. There was a huge war between the armada and Willy's ship _Inferno._ It was like Word War II-"

"It's World War II, twin bro."

"Shut up. I said that. So Will fled, right? Cause he knew he'd get killed if he stayed around. So he got into this cave and the British, they blew it up all around him. And he got caved in, and he's been there ever since."

Data asked,"Forever?"

I replied,"Forever."

"And ever?" Chunk asked in awe.

"Trapped," confirmed Mikey.

"Wow!" Chunk exclaimed.

"You two sound as corny as Dad does."

"But it's the gospel truth, Brand," I started.

"Besides, remember what he told us, Pinky?"

"What?" Data asked.

"He told us One-eyed Willy and his bunch were in there 5, 6 years. And he and his bunch began digging tunnels and caves... setting booty traps..."

"Wrong body part, bro. It's booby not booty," I laughed.

"Like you have any boobies, pink head," Mouth said, poking my side.

As my brothers yelled, "Shut up, Mouth," I slapped him straight across the face.

He clutched his cheek and stared at me in shock and a trace of something else. "Ow! What the hell, Pinky!?" He rubbed his cheek. "That actually hurt..."

"That's what you get for being a pervert, smart ass," I huffed.

"God, why Data likes you of all people is beyond me," he grumbled.

"You were saying, Mikey?" I asked.

"Uh... Oh, yeah! Setting booby traps, so that anybody who tried to get in there would die. And then you know what he did? He killed all of his men."

"Why?" Data asked.

"Yeah, why d he kill all of his men?"Chunk echoed.

"So they couldn't get to his treasure, a-doi, Chunk," I replied, flipping my hair over my shoulder in a sassy manner, hitting Mouth in the face.

"God, what is up with you and hitting my face, Pinks?!"

"I was thinking maybe I could fix that insufferable ugly face of yours, Devereaux. Ewww, you spit in my hair!"

"Ah, revenge is sweet, isn't it?"

"Shut up, you two," Brand said.

"Yeah, but if he killed all his men, how did the map or story get out?" Chunk asked.

"I asked my dad the same question. One of them must've gotten out with the map and, and..."

Chunk cut Mikey off," Yeah, I believe you, Mikey, Pinky."

"I don't. I don't believe ya. Not at all. I think you're both full of shit," Mouth said.

"I believe them," Data spoke up.

"Yeah, cause if Pinky told you to jump off a bridge, you'll jump off a bridge, Data," Mouth replied.

"No, I wouldn't!"

We heard a _thud_.

"Chunk?" I called.

"What'd you break this time, Chunk?" Brand asked.

He came over, saying, "Hey, you guys, look at this! Have you ever heard of this guy? Look, Chester Copperpot?" Chunk asked, showing the old newspaper article.

"Chester Copperpot?" Data read out loud. "Okay, it says: Chester Copperpot missing in pursuit of local legend. Reclusive scavenger claims 'I have the key to One-eyed Willy.'"

"Woah, do you guys realize what we can do?" Mikey asked.

"Mikey, there's nothing we can do. Besides, we can't find the treasure before the foreclosure," I told him sadly.

"But THINK about it, Pinky, guys! What if we found the treasure?"

"Then we wouldn't have to leave!" Data replied.

"Exactly!" Mikey replied.

"I don't wanna leave," Data said.

"I don't wanna go on any more of your crazy Goonie adventures, Mikey," Chunk said.

Someone rang the doorbell outside and all of us except for Mikey. All of us went outside and I stood between Brand and Mouth.

"Senior jerk alert!"

"Can I help you?" Brand asked.

"Hey little guys. Hello, Valentine," Mr. Perkins greeted in a sickly polite voice.

I plastered on a fake smile. "Awful morning, Mr. Prickins." I smirked at his face at the nickname. "Guys, I'll be inside if you need me."


	4. At the Store

Later, we managed to escape Brand and we headed toward the store on our bikes. However, Mikey had other plans. He yelled, asking where we were going. I ignored my brother and headed inside the store. He's gonna get us into some serious shit. I grabbed a Tiger Beat magazine which had a heading that said, "How to know if a guy likes you," and sat on the windowsill behind me. Mouth took a Playboy magazine and hid it in a MAD magazine. I rolled my eyes and read.

**1) Body language**

**-He finds excuses to be near you**

When I finished reading that sentence, Mouth leaned on the wall next to me.

**-He always looks at your face and tries to make eye contact.**

At the same time, I felt like someone was watching me so I looked up and saw that Mouth's hair was slightly disheveled like he turned around quickly.

**-He is always grooming himself around you.**

I thought about that one. Mouth always combs his hair whether or not I'm around. I heard a slight rustling and discreetly looked at Mouth, who was adjusting his jacket.

**2)T-**

"Jerk alert!"

I looked up and saw Troy coming in with Andy and Stef. I looked at Mikey, who was looking at Andy with adoring eyes. I waved at her and Stef. Aside from the Goonies, they're my best friends, seeing as I need some girl friends to vent to.

"Hey, Andy! Hey, Stef!" I greeted with a smile.

"Hi, Val!" They replied.

"It's Pinky, girls," I reminded them.

Troy snatched Mouth's magazine and pushed him off the wall, making Mouth land in my lap.

"Get off me, Mouth!" I pushed him off my lap. "Great, you wrinkled my magazine, you jerk!"

"It's not my fault Troy pushed me!"

"You're so immature, Mouth." I turned to Troy. "And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you mindless bully?!"

"Am I hearing right? A Goonie is telling me what to do?" He pulled me into a headlock.

"Let go of her, Troy!" Mikey said.

"Yeah, cut the girl some slack. She _is_ a girl after all. Though she definitely doesn't act like one," Mouth said.

"Shut up, Mouth!" I replied, kicking him.

"You know, he's right though. You don't act like a girl, but you definitely are a girl. I can feel your bra through this T-shirt," Troy replied.

My face burned bright red.

"That's it, Troy! You've gone too far this time!" Mikey tried to punch him, but Troy easily stopped him.

"Nice try, twerp. Ooh, what's this?" Troy saw the map and grabbed it from Mikey's hands.

"Give it back!" Mikey said.

"You don't own everything you touch, Troy!" I reasoned.

"Ha! They just don't make rolling paper like these anymore," he remarked, lighting an end of the map like a cigarette, as his grip on my neck tightened. My eyes widened.

"Hey, you know, the way you're puffing that cigarette reminds me of something," Mouth began in another one of his crazy accents.

Troy sneered, asking,"What?"

Mouth shot,"The time I French-kissed your mom."

I felt sick, and Troy let go of me, pushing Mouth and dropping the map. I tried to get him off Mouth, and all the idiot does is call out to Mikey and complain how his hair is getting messed up. Mikey jumped on Troy.

Troy was about to punch him, saying, "You little Goonie!" When Brand stopped him.

"Brand!" I exclaimed, relieved. I approached Mouth. "You okay, hair boy?"

"Aside from a fucked up hair-do, yeah. Thanks, Pinks."

"Thanks for sticking up for me in your own sick, twisted way, I suppose."

Brand made Troy scram and stared longingly at Andy. Good Lord. Mikey thanked Brand but he exploded.

"Oh, Brandon, are you really pissed at us?" I asked.

"What kind of question is that, Pinky?" he asked, puzzled.

"I mean, are you pissed at us or at the fact you can't go on that date with Andy?" I elaborated.

"Shut up, Valentine."

Brand started to drag us away, but I came up with a plan.

"Hey, Brand, I'll catch up with you guys in a minute. I'll just say my final farewells."

"Fine, but no more than five minutes."

As Brand turned around, I took the map from his back pocket silently. I turned around, ginger to my lips.

"Well?" I asked, smirk on my face.

"I don't know, Pinky," Chunk began.

"I don't wanna leave... Count me in," Data said.

"Mouth?" I asked.

"I don't know... it's kind of risky, Pinks."

"PPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE?" I pleaded with a puppy face.

"Oh, fine!" the two agreed begrudgingly.

I smirked. "Well, come on, boys!" I ran to my bike and began to pedal towards the beach. "Yo! Mikey!" My twin, who was pedaling toward our house with Brand. I waved the map at him with a confident smirk. "You comin', Mikey?"


	5. A bit closer

A/N For those of you who are wondering, Pinky always wears a black leather jacket, like a biker jacket. She wears dark shades of pink, almost red. During the movie, she wears forest green chino shorts and a dogwood rose pink V-neck with red Converse and an old heart-shaped locket that Mikey and Brand bought for her.

* * *

"Oh, God, it's cold," I shivered, pulling my leather jacket closer to me, as we searched for a starting point.

"Hey guys! I think I've found a match!" Mikey shouted. "The lighthouse, that rock, and the old restaurant all fit the dabloon! That must mean the rich stuff is near the restaurant. Pinky, where's the map?"

I took the map out and gave it to him wordlessly.

"Cat got your tongue, Pinkhead?"

"Shut up, razormouth."

"Just read it already, Mouth, and stop bothering my sister," Mikey interrupted, handing me a scarf from his pocket.

"Thanks, bro," I whispered.

"Diez veces diez," Mouth read.

I supplied from his right side,"10 times 10. A hundred."

Data echoed,"Hundred."

"... stretching feet to the nearest...uh, to the nearest..."

"N-northern p-point, m-motormouth," I said, shivering again.

"Sis, you okay?"

"F-fine, Mikes, j-just c-cold."

Mouth put his arm around me although it didn't look like he knew what he was doing.

"That's where you'll find the treat," he finished.

"The treasure!" I exclaimed, perking up. "Data, where's north?" I asked, walking over to him.

"North is thatta way," he replied, shivering slightly, as he pointed toward the restaurant.

We started pacing toward the restaurant. After about sixty paces, Mouth stopped us.

"What is it now, Deveraux?" I huffed, crossing my arms, and shivered again.

"There's somebody there," he pointed out, and we huddled behind some rocks.

Mikey took out the map, saying, "Sixty and another forty makes an even one hundred, right to the old restaurant. The rich stuff s gotta be there."

"I don't know, Mikey," Chunk started nervously. "Hey, it's getting late, and hey, that's a summer place. What's it doing open in the fall?"

"Lawerence Cohen, I am so cold that I can't feel my feet. If you deny me my warmth, I will claw you in the face," I threatened.

"There's nothing to worry about, Chunk. See. There's already to costumers going inside," Data said, pointing.

"Yeah, but what if they're drug dealers?" he insisted.

"Drug dealers? S-H-I-T, man," Data replied. "Did you see those clothes? Drug dealers won't be caught in those polyester rags."

"Yeah, but still," Chunk said nervously. He looked at me pleadingly. "Please, Pinky. They'll listen to you."

I looked into his eyes and saw genuine fear, something I never really associated with Chunk. Data, yes, Mikey yes, but never Chunk.

I sighed. "Well, Agent Double O Seven, got any binoculars in that trench coat of yours?"

Data nodded and backed away from us. He pushed a few buttons and a pair of dentures shot out and bit Mouth's ass. He cried out, and I jumped on him, him being a head taller than me.

"Shut the hell up, Clark, you dunce," I hissed, putting my hand harshly on top his mouth.

I was so close to Mouth that I could smell the soda pop he last drank a few hours ago and the subtle sandalwood cologne he uses, which surprised me since this is Mouth who is everything but subtle.

* * *

Mouth POV

Hey, what's going on? You really think I could keep quiet while Pinky tells you guys a story? Hell no! Now, where did leather girl leave off? Oh, yes! When Data's Pinchers of Peril bit my (sexy) ass.

.

Pinky jumped on me, putting her hand on my mouth and clutching me.

"Shut the hell up, Clark, you dunce," she hissed.

She was so close to me, her feathery hair tickling my face. I breathed in her vanilla and strawberry scent. Oh, God, what this girl does to me. For a moment, I felt like I wasn't Mouth Deveraux and she Pinky Walsh.

"Aw, sorry, Mouth," Data's babyish voice apologized. I snapped out of my reverie and started to cry out again. "Hold on a sec." He took the dentures off my (again, sexy) ass. "Sorry, Mouth."

Pinky got off me and wiped her hands on my jacket.

"Ew, Mouth, I think you drooled on my hand," she complained.

Warning bells sounded in my head. "I don't drool, Walsh."

"Believe you just did, Deveraux."

"Aw, Data!" Data said.

Pinky and I turned to see Data and his broken binoculars.

"Oh, Data," Pinky giggled.

"Data!" her twin said, exasperated.

Oh, I forgot.


	6. The Restaurant

I rolled my eyes at Mikey's reaction. Lord. Mikey's taking this One-Eyed Willy shit way too seriously.

"You know what, guys? I am not going to just sit here and freeze my ass off. Only sixty more paces left, right?" I asked rhetorically.

I stood up and started walking toward the restaurant, counting in my head. Mikey ran to me and started pacing too. Followed by Data and then Mouth. Two loud rackets sounded, and Chunk ran to us, panting.

"Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, that sounded like a gunshot. Not the kind of gunshots you hear in war movies, but real ones, Mikey. They're trying to kill us!"

"Turn your brain off, Chunk. Someone probably dropped a pot," Mikey reasoned.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Yeah," Data echoed.

"Yeah, probably just dropped a pot," Mouth agreed.

"But-but-"

"Shut up, Chunk," I ordered, shivering again.

Chunk soon found interest in a soda pop nearby, and the boys went to peek through a window. Mikey told me to stay in front of the restaurant since the wind wasn't blowing as hard there. I agreed. After a few minutes, we entered the restaurant. It was dusty and run-over. Chunk started to ramble again.

"Shh!" Data said.

"Shut up, Chunk!" I whispered.

"This is a summer restaurant? It looks like it hasn't been open for ten summers," Mouth remarked.

A voice behind us asked gruffly, "How long you kids been at that window?"

The five of us turned around quickly, intimidated except for Mouth. Chunk and Data clutched each other while Mikey and I clutched Mouth.

"L...long enough to see you need about four hundred roach motels in this place," Mouth replied.

A loud clang sounded behind us. We turned around to see a tall Italian man coming out from behind a door, cussing.

"Mamma, chi sono e cosa stanno facendo qui?" He asked. My eyes widened in realization. I understood what he said. What? I can speak, Spanish, French, German, and Italian. Translation: Mom, who are they and what are they doing here?

"Jake, these kids are costumers."

"Questo è non è un ristorante, Mama," the man, Jake, said. Trans: This isn't a restaurant, Mama.

Wait. What? If this isn't a restaurant, why did the two men from earlier come in? Speaking of which, where'd they go?

"Basta andare con esso, altrimenti non lascerà," she replied. Trans: Just go a along with it or else they won't leave.

"Oh, sì, sì, mamma, hai ragione," Jake said. Trans: Oh, yes, yes, Mama, you're right. "So, kids, what would you like? My mother will cook something for you."

"What do you want?" She asked us.

I was starting to get scared. Who are these people?

"Water," Data gasped. "Lots of water."

We all nodded in agreement.

"Five waters. Is that all?"

"No!" Surprise, surprise, hair boy just couldn't keep his big mouth shut. "I want the Veal Scallopine."

We started to mime zippering our mouths shut to try to get Mouth to shut up.

"Mouth, shut up," Mikey said in a tense whisper.

Mouth pushed us off him.

"Hair boy, you better shut the hell up before I make you," I hissed.

"I want the Fettucini Alfredo... a bottle of Fettuncini, a 1981." He kissed his forefinger and thumb like a gourmet.

The woman grabbed Mouth into a quick headlock. She opened a switchable blade and pushed his cheeks together, forcing his tongue out."The only thing we serve is tongue." We covered our mouths in horror. "You kids like tongue?" She laughed hysterically. She let go of Mouth. "That all?" she spat.

We shook our heads. She shouted at us to sit down. Chuck fell. I felt like all the oxygen left the room. Not only were these strangers potential threats, Mouth was sitting right next to me.

"Guys, guys," Data started, "what happened to the two guys that went in before us?"

"I know," Chunk said, breathless.

"Spit it out, Chunk," I said, biting my right index finger.

"Guys, if we don't leave soon, there's gonna be some..." he glanced around, "hostage crisis. I saw an O.R.V. with bullet holes the size of Matzah balls!"

"Y'know, Chunk, I'm starting to O.D. your bullshit stories," Mouth replied, uninterested.

The hag came back, bringing five glasses of pale brown liquid, and slammed the glasses on the table.

"Here's your water!"

Data stammered,"Thank you, Sir, uh, Ma'am."

Mikey murmured," Thank you, Sir." The hag glared. "I mean, Ma'am."

"This is water?" Mouth asked skeptically.

"It's wet, ain't it?" She asked. "Drink it!"

"Miss, where's the men's room?" Mikey asked.

My eyes widened. "Michael!"

"Mikey, you don't wanna go to the bathroom in a place like this!" Chunk whispered.

"Why not?" The hag asked, offended.

"Because there might be d-daddy l-longlegs in 'em," Chunk replied nervously.

"But I gotta go!" Mikey stressed.

Chunk leaned closer and I couldn't make out what he was saying.

Mouth took my glass.

"Hey!" I protested.

"You, Mikey," Mouth started in a deep voice while alternatively pouring water between the two glasses, "you got to go bathroom?"

"Shut up, motor brain," I hissed. "Just shut up."

"Lady, please," Mikey insisted.

"Michael," I warned him.

"But, 'Tine!" He whined.

I rolled my eyes.

The hag agreed. "Downstairs, first door on the right."

"Thank you."

"Mikey, please!" Chunk yelled after him.

"Stay to the right!" The hag yelled.


End file.
